Monday, March 25, 2013

A +

I have been feeling rather guilty about neglecting the blog.  I enjoy writing, so it feels wrong not writing for leisure here as often as I'd like, even if it's about dumb shit like youtube videos of cheesy pop music, or how I used to eat way too much fast food or how I do crazy shit like move large pieces of furniture on foot with a hand truck over long distances.  Even if when my musings are riddled with expletives, I feel like I'm doing something good when I write.  If nothing else, I hope that my gratuitous use of said expletives makes you feel almost as though we were having a conversation in person.  I suspect it also feels authentic because here, as in real life, I'm doing all of the talking and probably oversharing.

But I digress.  As I tend to do in most conversation.

As I've mentioned before, I've been taking classes, and this past Saturday, I took my last exam of the Winter quarter.  Yes, I had a final exam on a Saturday afternoon.  Since then, I have been checking to see if grades have been posted.  Tonight, I finally hit paydirt - ONE solitary grade out of four was posted.

IT WAS AN A+.  Not just a regular A, but a motherfucking A+.  !!!!!!!

I nearly peed myself from the shock.  Now, it was not shock because I did well, I knew offhand that things were going well enough.  I had gotten A's on the homework assignments, the quizzes, and the papers in this class that I had gotten back.  I guess it just hadn't registered with me that an A+ was in any realm of possibility.  After some of the shit I've been through and how it affected my past academic performance, I had almost conditioned myself to expect getting grades that would make people judge me, and make me upset with myself.  Seeing my college grades has been a source of despair because I knew that if things had been different, they would have been more representative of who I am.  Instead, my transcript from 2005-2009 can be more likened to battle scars than to measures of any sort of capabilities - if you list off a class that I took during that time, I can tell you what was happening at that time and why my performance was as it was.  When I see those old grades, I think of the asshole who told me that I "would never make it to grad school" and the people who judged me at that time because they didn't bother to get to know me. Checking my grades tonight and seeing that first good grade posted didn't quite erase it all (I don't know that those things are erasable) but it was reassuring.  I always like to say that things get better - to others and to myself when situations are bad.  Seeing this little A+ on my screen was a tiny reminder that this is true.

I'm still waiting on three more grades from the past quarter.  But honestly, this was what I needed to  show me that I am right where I need to be at this time. 

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